How to kill a deadman
by The Kirklands
Summary: Francois a lonely divorced man is now being haunted not by a monster or his ex wife but something much worse...a bright and sunny man named Oliver that doesn't leave his side .Oliver's job is set to help Francois kill himself in order to fill his demonic duties but he soon falls in love with the mortal world and the man he was sent to kill. WARNING mentions of death and dark humour


**Hello everyone once again~ I know I introduce alot of new series without finishing the old ones XD but this is simply because I like to make new stories, plots and enjoy certain couples when my writing partner Vanti and I feel like something new and fresh. But don't worry we will add alot of the new chapters and series up along with new ones. This is actually our first 2p story, we had tested with them before and I had actually written a christmas fan fiction called " a christmas 2p remembered" but I never submitted it, I may do at some point later on to allow more stories to be put up but for now ill save the seasonal ones for their seasons. I hope you all enjoy this one and please if you like it and want to encourage more chapters and exciting events please comment, fav and follow and Ill be sure to update the chapters on popular stories before least popular ones. Thank you and please enjoy. For those who don't know Francois = 2p France, Oliver = 2p England**

The loud slam of a door resonated through an empty house, followed by heavy foot steps making their way towards the kitchen. The man took a moment to look at himself in a broken mirror hanging in the hallway. His long blond hair reached down to his shoulders, needing a trim that was long overdue and had bags under his eyes due to obvious lack of sleep.

'Pretty pathetic..' The man thought to himself looking away from his broken reflection. He continued walking towards the kitchen and aimed his sights to the old refrigerator. Now gripping the handle, the man swiftly opened the door and grabbed himself a beer.

" Hello Mr grumpy~" a voice chimed through the house feeling unusual and foreign in such a dark and plain house.

It belonged to the ginger haired man now poking his head through the fridge, and yes this was really happening as you see the young man was not mortal nor was he physical " you know beer is bad for you" The cheery little British man sung then acting as though he was snatching it away with his non physical grip " I think I know what to cure your ills, a song of course! ooooooooh!" holding his chest through his blazer and ready to sing.

The blond male shot a glare at the cheery ghost and slammed the fridge door in his face "Go bug someone else would you?" The man spoke with a strong French accent.

Being unaffected by the door Oliver the ghost gave a worried look to the porcelain skinned Frenchman " awww come on you would be lonely if I didn't buy you, but do you know what could also help~ and it WOULD make my job a lot easier " already gliding to the worn out and grubby couch the man was sitting on " you could kill yourself"

Now yes this would normally seem crazy...then again this is already about a ghost but in reality Oliver's job no matter how weak, innocent and cheery he was he was set out to make Francois the man drinking the beer to kill himself. Oliver would usually refuse but that's when he was presented with two options that and he found the human world to be the funniest of places like they used utensils to eat their food on their fancy dinning plates, isn't that cool! however cough cough this was his duty before he could go home.

Oliver took his place on the arm rest and smiled at the depressed workaholic " so ill finally get to torment you with your kids around, I'm soo excited!" shaking in anticipation " what are they like? do they look more like you or your ex wife? oh! don't tell me I like surprises actually!" he rambled on with no end in sight.

"Ferme ta gueule" the Frenchman growled taking a swig of his cold beer. It's been about a week since that despicable failure of a ghost showed up and Francois could feel himself slowly turning crazy. He couldn't stand him! Oliver's happy-go-lucky attitude was the most annoying thing he'd ever have to endure. He was even more annoying then his stupid ex wife.

" Maybe we can get ice cream with them, or walk in the park or~ maybe go fishing! you know like father and son stuff!" Oliver continued to suggest clearly misreading the room atmosphere " It's going to be soo much fun!" Francois' cat now swiping through Oliver with its paw accompanied with little spikey kitty claws, his ghostly presence seemed to irritate the cat since he arrived.

Francois glared at the ghost once more grinding his teeth together. He stood up, taking a taller stance then Oliver, looking down at the oblivious ghost.

"Now listen here you!" He spat at the now cowering ghost "I have had enough of your... your.. Stupidities! Go home and get out of my personal life!"

"Pops?" The young boy in his pre-teen years stood by the kitchen entrance asking in a questioned tone. He held many familiar similarities to Francois, having the same wavy blonde hair, except a shade darker and it was tied up in a small ponytail in the back. He looked at his father with his typical unamused expression that resembled the his fool of a father.

"Who are you talking to?"

Squealing with excitement Oliver hurried over surrounding the teenager like a hungry seagull, unaware to the son of course " he is sooo cute! he looks just like his daddy" snickering looking back at the disgusted look he predicted off the father's face " I bet he knows how to have fun, all you ever do is go to work, eat and poop...uhhh its soo boring" hanging in the air limp to demonstrate how bored he is " now lets have some fun" sticking a tounge out he gets a good look at his new friend from all angles with his ghostly abilities.

The exhausted man mumbled french curses under his breath, walking over to whoosh away the spirit from his son.

The pre-teen scowled at Francois, unaware of the ghost that was circling around him "Drunk again I see. Could you at least try to be sober when I visit for once in your fucking life." he spat earning a small gasp from Oliver due to his vulgar language. Francois wasn't fazed by his son's choice of words and simply shrugged. "I'll be in my room..." The boy mumbled, leaving the kitchen, reaching his room and slamming the door behind him

"oooooh my crumpets! you let him talk like that?! no dishwasher could fix that language! " Oliver exaggerated marching up to the bedroom door with his eyes closed in an adult manner of strictness, making an opening door action he continued walking through the still closed door and made a proud wide legged stance pointing the naughty finger as Oliver called it to the son. " Listen you here party pooper! your dad was excited to see you and you should be too! and watch your language! what if the city priest was here?! " Being ignored the whole way through his speech of course as Matt the son began wandering back and forth through him placing his things around into their designated places.

The depressed father had made his way to the living room and sunk down in his seat. He didn't feel like stopping the "haunting" ghost from scolding his son. He had realized that everyone besides himself couldn't see Oliver. This, of course, was after a couple of embarrassing incidents at work.

Francois sipped the cold clear liquid from his beer bottle and took a deep breath. Finally a little bit of peace and quiet, though he knew that it wouldn't last long.

Getting hot headed at this point Oliver thumped down his foot repeatedly getting hot and bothered over the boy ignoring him, Francois discovered his presence before the ghost had as he continued to try and make his voice heard.

"Here ill disrespect you then!" Oliver yelled loud enough for Francois to hear it as he attempted to pick up a stack of papers and throw them only to repeat the action over and over again without any results. Grumbling and panting as his sudden outburst he then threw a hand over the nearby desk covered in various objects and a music player, as he swiped the desk the items didn't move but the music player turned on only to play build me up buttercup loudly echoing in the empty house.

Eyes widening at this point the red head slowly gasped into a grin.

The boy's nose crunched up as the music blasted through the house. The boy rushed over to turn off the music player but the electronic device would not shut off. He growled in irritation while desperately trying to turn it off before his father's footsteps reached his door.

A large knock on the room's wooden door made the boy jump out of his skin. "Mathieu! Turn off that ridiculous music!" The Frenchman practically yelled from the other side of the door. Oh how the boy so badly wanted to reply 'My name isn't Mathieu. It's Matt.' but decided that it could wait for another time. Right now he was more focused on pressing the 'off' button rapidly. The Frenchman on the other side grumbled irritably and opened his son's door "I will not ask you a second ti-" Francis stopped in his tracks when he saw Matt fanatically attempting to turn off the music while Oliver hovered near him grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Oliver had hands pressed against his cheeks in delight as he gasped " how did he know that was my favourite song right now! maybe he isn't such a bad egg, and he has a good taste in music I can assure you" nodding now and mumbles agreeing with himself " oh I do say so myself, this boy has a chance" without noticing he begins to over several other electronic devices making them all turn on or act funny.

"What the hell is going on!?" Matt yelled turning back to look at a clearly pissed off Francois "I swear it wasn't me that did this!" The young boy defended himself, unaware that Francois' anger isn't directed towards him.

Looking towards the source of steam and rage within the room he could only obliviously grin not knowing the fire building up in the short tempered man. It reminded him of the first time they met, "oh wasn't it wonderful" echoed through Oliver's head as though it was the beginning of a Disney princess movie.

 **1 week ago***

Oliver clutched his assignment paper close to his chest as he hurried down the street eager and nervous like a child at their first day of school, all he was missing was a packed lunch considering how he was dressed that day. With old woollen knitted jumper ready and straight slacks on he could pass of as a priest or carer for the elderly " I cant wait~! ill get to talk to someone from the mortal world! I bet he will be cute and nice...well nicer than the photo but hey I can give him a makeover" walking as he rambled to himself he didn't notice the various houses he intruded and passed mindlessly through, not that it mattered being a ghost.

The demons designated him to haunt the mortals, not that he knew why cause he didn't go to any torturing or mental anguishing classes so obviously he was just a genius. Maybe they finally saw his side on making the rooms brighter and 3 hours of story time every morning with cupcake baking lessons...that had to be it!

Before he knew his bright blue eyes met the falling door sign of a rotting door, it was the most glorious sight to him until he went to knock forgetting his ghostly powers but of course never his manners. Falling right through he fell onto his face and butt in the air.

Tired footsteps echoed through the hallway, making the ghost beam with happiness. A man in his early thirties finally came into view. His greasy blond hair was a mess, his dark Prussian blue eyes were lifeless and dull, he wore an old stained shirt and baggy sweat pants. His sight was not pretty.

The man glanced towards the doorway, but had to make a double take when he saw the redhead laying on his floor. He stood there, his mouth gaping slightly when looking at Oliver.

" Hey there~! I have some wonderful news! have you ever heard of jesus Christ and devils or demons" Oliver sang and jumped up to his feet still clutching the piece of paper like he was a door to door talker on the book of Mormon. " I'm going to show you the light sir! and I swear ill help you" clearly taking his job too seriously along with being too friendly for someone given the task of killing the other " can I come in and tell you my story?" bright gleeful eyes growing at the house owner.

The man's confusion quickly turned to anger as he marched towards Oliver. "Who the hell are you?! I swear if you're another lawyer you can tell her that I already paid her!" Francois reached over to grab Oliver's shirt collar, but found his hand going right through the intruder. His eyes widened. He quickly pulled away his hand and stumbled away from Oliver.

Still sitting on the ground the ginger turns onto his hands and knees and crawls to the terrified man with a smile " I can tell we are going to be best friends~! I'm Oliver your designated haunting ghost and I'll be your best friend by your side always until you die" extending a pale hand for a handshake only to be met with a terrified and disgusted face that most people have when they meet the sunshine dust of a man.

The demons saw potential in the rainbows and cupcake personality. Afterall he could torture a demon.

 **I hope you all enjoyed that and if you did please give a nice review or fav because everyone counts and I read every comment given. This story is in its first stages and I'm not sure how popular it will be or how much it will be demanded but I do hope atleast some people got enjoyment out of reading it. If you hadn't guessed I did get quite a bit of influence from a youtube animated video called " Welcome to hell" so please if you like the plot and enjoy animations please watch I recommend it . As I remind everyone at the end of all my stories I do not own hetalia or any of their characters so please don't sue me, this is completely fan based and I don't have much money for you to get in lawsuits anyway XD sorry. Thank you to Vanti again for writing this with me, it has got a slightly darker and weirder tone of plot but I need a varied list of fan fictions for when the mood hits me. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed.**

 **Kirklands.**


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